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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Reasons vampires aren't sexy


  1. Have you ever touched a dead person? If you haven't, it's wrong; that's the best way to describe it. Trust me on this one - say goodbye to Grandma by giving her a firm pat on the coffin. Maybe one could get accustomed to the feel if one had to work with dead things, but unless you've got some kind of very special fetish, I don't think you're ever going to touch a dead thing and feel happy in your pants. Ever had your significant other put his or her icy feet on you while you're trying to sleep? Try all night every night, and it's not just their feet, yo.
  2. Take it from a woman who has worked with people with disabilities for much of her life. Being bitten hard enough to break the skin is not pleasant, ever. I don't care how hot Bill Compton looks when he's doing it, girls, it hurts so much. On a scale where massages are a 0 and dental pain is a 10, I'd put skin-breaking bite wounds from adults somewhere above ankle tattoos. Not that I have an ankle tattoo, mom. That is something that I most decidedly do not have.
  3. If your mate is not doing some heavy huffing and puffing during sexy time, you've got something to worry about. I mean, how do you know you're not doing something wrong, for the love of God?
  4. Maybe I'm too much of a worrier, but I'm pretty sure that if Jeremy didn't breathe or have a heartbeat, I'd probably have to wake him up like, once a minute to make sure he wasn't for-real dead. And as bad as it would be to have to deal with Jeremy being angry that I was waking him up, imagine how much worse it would be to deal with a tired vampire being angry that you're waking him up. Okay, I'd take the angry tired vampire. Jeremy's not pleasant upon awakening. 
  5. Oh, sure, the old-timey chivalry is nice when he's opening doors for you, but wait until he comes home and you don't have dinner on the table. And then there's the spittoons, and the chamber pots, and the pre-20th century hygiene...
  6. Forget the candle-lit Italian dinner. Fire, garlic, checkered tablecloths, cheesy violin music - all toxic to vampires.
QED. Vampires=not sexy.
Too fangirl?

11 comments:

avenging angle said...

Also, and I'm just sayin', he'd better be eating a lot of breath mints.

Brigid Daull Brockway said...

Right? It'd be like sucking on a mouthful of pennies.

Megi said...

Ok now, in general I'm with you on this. However, I have to pick a bone with you on #2. In most mythos, vampires have insanely sharp teeth that are meant to slide through the flesh easily. Sometimes, it's even specifically mentioned that they are so sharp, you can't really even feel them. Speaking as someone who has several times sliced open a finer with a brand new boning knife or slicing knife or what have you, I can attest that you really _don't_ feel it when you make the initial cut. It's not really til the cut pulls open and the air hits it that you even realize you did it. If vamp teeth are supposed to be like that, then maybe they don't hurt much at all. It would definitely be a whole lot less painful than normal human teeth, especially since those bites are usually made with your incisors which are SO not for biting meat-things.

Anthony said...

Remember when vampires used to have magical mind-control powers that made their victims hot for them? Now we don't see so much of that, and the authors are just taking it as a given that everyone wants to bang an undead humanoid mosquito.

Bersercules said...

All really great reasons why it'd be creepy to date a vampire! But you forgot the good reasons! like they wont get old and wrinkly, or they wont die in a car crash!

Brigid Daull Brockway said...

Ah, but puncturing is different from slicing, and way less pleasant. I mean, the tattoo needle is super sharp too, but that thing hurt like a bitch. And it's way narrower than a tooth.

Brigid Daull Brockway said...

Thanks for reading, Bersercules, and you have an awesome name.

Brigid Daull Brockway said...

Yeah, but for all my bravado, I'd be first in line to be bitten by the likes of Spike or Eric Northman. But not Angel, because he'd just whine and feel guilty about it later.

CNC said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Megi said...

Yeah, but... MAGIC!

CNC said...

Forget about your mate not "huffing and puffing." Try "not getting an erection," since they don't have blood flow because they're not alive.

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