- Have you ever touched a dead person? If you haven't, it's wrong; that's the best way to describe it. Trust me on this one - say goodbye to Grandma by giving her a firm pat on the coffin. Maybe one could get accustomed to the feel if one had to work with dead things, but unless you've got some kind of very special fetish, I don't think you're ever going to touch a dead thing and feel happy in your pants. Ever had your significant other put his or her icy feet on you while you're trying to sleep? Try all night every night, and it's not just their feet, yo.
- Take it from a woman who has worked with people with disabilities for much of her life. Being bitten hard enough to break the skin is not pleasant, ever. I don't care how hot Bill Compton looks when he's doing it, girls, it hurts so much. On a scale where massages are a 0 and dental pain is a 10, I'd put skin-breaking bite wounds from adults somewhere above ankle tattoos. Not that I have an ankle tattoo, mom. That is something that I most decidedly do not have.
- If your mate is not doing some heavy huffing and puffing during sexy time, you've got something to worry about. I mean, how do you know you're not doing something wrong, for the love of God?
- Maybe I'm too much of a worrier, but I'm pretty sure that if Jeremy didn't breathe or have a heartbeat, I'd probably have to wake him up like, once a minute to make sure he wasn't for-real dead. And as bad as it would be to have to deal with Jeremy being angry that I was waking him up, imagine how much worse it would be to deal with a tired vampire being angry that you're waking him up. Okay, I'd take the angry tired vampire. Jeremy's not pleasant upon awakening.
- Oh, sure, the old-timey chivalry is nice when he's opening doors for you, but wait until he comes home and you don't have dinner on the table. And then there's the spittoons, and the chamber pots, and the pre-20th century hygiene...
- Forget the candle-lit Italian dinner. Fire, garlic, checkered tablecloths, cheesy violin music - all toxic to vampires.
QED. Vampires=not sexy.