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This place matters

Monday, September 24, 2012

Bad Movie Monday - Birdemic

This is the first installment in a series I'm calling Bad Movie Monday. Once a week, I'll describe and review a truly God-freaking-awful movie.
This does not make me a hipster. One needs to be hip to be a hipster. 
This week's feature: Birdemic. You should absolutely not watch this movie. Unless, I suppose, you have too much will to live and would like to drive the will down a bit. I didn't even watch the movie, so I suppose this is cheating. Too bad. My blog, my rules.
In Birdemic, a flock of vultures and eagles attacks a small town for absolutely no apparent reason. For some reason, these birds have the ability to get into homes, cars, and to make keys not work, as seen below. 
I am assured that this 58-second clip contains everything you need to know about this film. And most things you need to know to stay alive at that: when attacked by vicious killer .gifs, the most potent weapon to use while failing to get into your car is coat hangers. 

Fun fact: Birds hate my dear husband. When he was a small child, some barn swallows were angry that he was standing in his own garage and so they brutally dive-bombed him. When he was a bit older, he made the mistake of having a doughnut in proximity to a flock of seagulls. He still has nightmares. No, I'm not kidding, he still actually has nightmares. Those first two flocks must have marked him somehow, because everywhere we go, birds are out for him. We've had a turkey buzzard dive-bomb the car on the highway (he swerved at the last minute, so he's not dead). Perfectly calm and content flocks of pigeons will suddenly develop a need to fly directly toward us. Even the flamingos at the zoo eye him suspiciously, muttering "soon."
Jeremy has given me permission to inform you that on the frequent occasions on which we're swarmed by suddenly angry sparrows, he hides behind me. This may seem cowardly, but in truth, it's fair. It's not me they're after, after all.
PS, there's a sequel. Birdemic II, the Resurrection. I don't want to live on this planet anymore. 

1 comment:

Anthony said...

You should've watched the whole thing, cheater.

If you had, you'd know that the birds attacked humans because of global warming. Okay, they do not explain the causal relationship between those two things, but a gun-toting ornithologist said so, so take it as fact. You also left out the birds that explode, or spray acid.

I remember walking with your husband once when a bird crapped directly on his head. It's a life-spanning avian vendetta.