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Friday, December 12, 2014

It stinks

Amazon product reviews are a surprising source of hilarity. After hearing dramatic readings of one-star reviews on the radio show Wits, I decided I'd like to blatantly steal their idea. And because I'm in need of some holiday cheer just now, I thought we'd have a look at some of the one-star reviews of some beloved Christmas treasures. 

It's a Wonderful Life

Only communists share with others at Christmas
it's an American classic. NOT! It's Communist propaganda about the "evils" of American free enterprise from a guy who made a lot of pinko films but never thought HE should have to live like this "common man" he kept making pictures about.

A Christmas Carol

Atlas Humbugged
Scrooge was better at the beginning! You know the ritual: boo the curmudgeon initially encountered in Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, then cheer the sweetie pie he becomes in the end. It's too bad no one notices that the curmudgeon had a point-quite a few points, in fact... There was no need to make the object of his lesson an entrepreneur whose ideas and practices benefit his employees, society at large, and himself. Must such a man expect no fairer a fate than to die scorned and alone? 

The Polar Express

Well that escalated quickly
Santa and his village as portrayed in this book, would have fit in perfectly in Nazi germany.
A perfect book for the entitled and spoiled American child of the Uberclass of consumerist American drones.
Complaining about consumerism on the country's largest e-commerce website.

White Christmas

From a man who has never seen a movie musical before...
You have to get past Rosemary Clooney's way-to-happy-to-be-here face/personae. Add to that, sorry Clooney fans, she just can't sing. I have always wanted to slap the face of the first person that ever told her that she could. Ah. Vera-Ellen. Cutesy-cutesy and yes, she can dance (some) but her smile just gets in the way.
 I find it stomach-turning to see/hear "the kids" on the train all excited about snow. It's a song. "Snow". Rosemary Clooney wants to wash her face and hair in it. This makes Clooney, right out of the gate, an idiot... And Clooney is old enough to know better.
Vera Ellen demonstrating her apparently underwhelming dancing ability

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer 


The soundtrack is bad, it sounds like a music box with almost(dead) batteries. The message is bad. They say X-Mas is gonna be cancled. HOW CAN WE CANCEL X-MAS? THAT IS LIKE SAYING X-MAS IS ALL ABOUT PRESENTS? They treat rudloph badly because of his nose. Should we treat people badly because they are different? I DO NOT THINK SO.

A Christmas Story:

Mr. BigWords impresses the internet
The sine qua non of Christmas movies has always been a central message --some nugget of hope... conveyed either seriously or humorously. This movie... illustrates the extent to which postmodern cynicism has swallowed a beloved film genre. The movie lacks universality. No one understood universality better than Shakespeare. We relate to the plight of kings and paupers, without ourselves being kings or paupers, because their sufferings, joys, and longings, are our own, no matter the century or country. "A Christmas Story," by contrast, is parochial. The vignettes are amusing only to those with similar experiences. Parochialism is not, of itself, detrimental, but it does preclude the designation, "classic."

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