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Friday, December 19, 2014

Letters to Santa

The year I was five, I wanted nothing more in the world than a Cabbage Patch Kid. The Daulls are a practical people, and there was no way my folks were going to join the melee down at Children's Palace for a doll that looked like a demon baby with mumps. 

Instead, she got my a knock off from Bernie Schulman's which was, in the words of parents everywhere, Just As Good.
Which it totally was. Until I hugged its head clean off. I still have nightmares. In yet another case of me turning into my mother, if I had a kid, they would totally get the self-decapitating Just As Good model. 
Cabbage Patch kids came with birth certificates, but despite the urban legend to the contrary, you could not send damaged dolls back to the factory for a death certificate. Another urban legend held that Cabbage Patch Kids had been commissioned by Ronald Reagan to desensitize Americans to what government scientists thought the offspring of survivors of a nuclear war would look like. That is the best urban legend I have ever heard. Ever.
A few more toy-related urban legends, courtesy of Snopes:

  • A 2006 talking Elmo potty training book was not, as it turns out, saying "Uh oh, who wants to die?" He was saying "Uh oh, who has to go?" Ironically, every time I hear his obnoxious little voice, I do actually want to die. 
  • Webkinz are stuffed toys that stuffed toys that come with a secret code that let the toy's owner create an online version of their pet to play with. Rumors a few years back claimed that if children clicked on certain on-screen elements, a creature would pop out and chop of the pet's head. 
  • Despite what my favorite Chick Tract claims, playing Dungeons and Dragons does not give you satanic powers. Unless the ability to chug 2 liters of Mountain Dew is a satanic power.
  • While I haven't tested this personally, D&D figures also do not scream when thrown into fire. The Escapist website points out that when the claims about this were first made, figures were made of lead and covered with many layers of paint. So if anyone was foolish enough to throw them into a fire, any screaming they heard would likely have been in their lead-addled imagination.
This is blessedly not a legend.
Dog bless you, dollar store.

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